When I first heard the words my heart raced. Shock slowly encompassed my being, and I drifted down on to the table. Thoughts and memories inundated my mind. Anger and sorrow clashed in a vicious dogfight, both seeking to establish their territory within my mind. My first thought was double-edged and was point straight at God. “Alright you took her! I know she is in a better place, but why so soon? They already lost someone last year, so why must they suffer again? They believe in you and love you so much!” But this thought was brief - because I already knew the answer. God has better plans for them regardless of what I may believe. 

A concerned friend came over and prayed for me. Emotions ensued. I packed up and ran off. I needed a place to be alone; a place to process my thoughts - but I didn’t know where. I was lost and walking with no purpose, my mind in panicked chaos. 

I finally just sat down and prayed.

I prayed for her and her family.

And at the end of it all,

I cried.

Something I take for granted way too often.

I just can’t help but give a huge smile when I think back on my wonderful adventures over this past week. Late night excursions to the hot tubs, preparations for girls’ appreciation and chill times with 1510, man were they all a laugh! Just thinking about all of these moments over spring break just pastes a huge grin on my face that I can’t seem to wipe off. All the smiles and laughs, thanks everyone! Big Break 2012 was definitely a spring break to remember!

lilaaynguyen:

My brother usually comes home late because he’s on campus all day. And we share phone chargers, so he goes to my room late at night and receives the phone charger. Well, somehow in my sleep I kicked my bed frame causing me to wake up and my brother was standing right there which freaked me out. He…

The dark, depressing side of me has reappeared, emanating from the depths of my heart and chilling every nerve as it clawed it’s way through to the surface of my pool of thought. The frost seared away at my warmth, the warmth that I had longed for so long, dashed out with the arctic gale that blew from the depths of my heart. Yet, the cold was a familiar presence, one that has endured within me for so many bygone seasons. It was a comfort in itself; it was the other side of me.

In this world, snow drifts lazily on to the frozen ground and the silence has been glaciated in the air. It’s dark; yet it seems as if I can make out the smallest of movements and see the tiniest of flaws. I saw how broken I was. Everything crack, cut, and flaw was magnified by the glistening white snow and the silence revealed things unheard. I was able to examine myself in this world like nowhere else.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flicker of light; It was a frozen pool shimmering in the distance. I walked towards it and found out what it really was: it was my frozen pool of thought. I walked towards the center of it and looked down. Through the ice I saw only darkness. The pool had an unfathomable depth and made me curious. How deep do my thoughts go?

Without a second thought I broke the ice and fell in to the frigid water. The water swallowed me, inundating me with thoughts and emotions.

I had to persevere.

I will figure how deep my thoughts go.

alanxa1:

Frozen Bubble.

Several people have asked me this question, and I’ve always found myself saying, “I dunno, I just do.”  Finally finding time one day, I asked myself this simple question, “Why do I smile?” and found myself delving into my deepest thoughts and reminiscing every significant event in my life. It was painful, going through some of my darkest memories again, but it was comforting. These memories have defined me, taught me some significant lesson that I knew I wouldn’t have learned otherwise. Looking back now, I’ve realized some of my most difficult conflicts have been those of my own.The conflicts of my actions against my values, of what I knew is right and of what is wrong. These conflicts chained my mind, chained it to a state of guilt and denial.

“I would of never done that,” I tell myself.
“I couldn’t of done that.”
“I didn’t do that.”

It was during these times when denial was my tool of choice. Denial helped me to blur the lines, to bury the mistakes, to create the perfect facade I could hide behind. I wanted so much to believe that I was the perfect, disciplined and principled person I’ve always wanted to be.

But of course, we are never perfect.
And of course, it all caught up to me.

I reached a point where I was forced to face myself, face what I’ve tried to hide from for so long. It was painstaking and humiliating.

It’s not who I am.
It’s not who I want to be.

It was a difficult period, uncovering months of denial to face the darkness that I’ve rejected so vehemently, journeying into the depths of my mind that I had never dared explored.

But I got through.

I got through the hardest struggles I’ve ever experienced and accepted the darkness that I knew would always be a part of me.

So when you ask. “Why do I smile?”

My answer will be: There’s always something to smile at.

Abrupt. Sudden. A strange alienation from those around you, as if you were never meant to be here. It’s as if I have taken a step back and viewed the world from a different perspective; no longer an active member, just a spectator, watching everything unfold around me.

Why does it happen?

Why do I suddenly know what a person is feeling?

Know their intentions?

Know their desires?

It’s a burden.

Every instance of this, I’ve learned of the ill intentions of complete strangers, people that I’ve barely glanced at for a few seconds, and I can only shake my head. People can be vain, ignorant, manipulative, deceitful, and selfish.

It’s sickening.

It’s disappointing.

I detest it.

I avoid it.

But it’s ubiquitous, these vices that I write about, and I can’t do a thing about it. I understand now; why they say “Ignorance is bliss.” Knowledge is two-sided; it grants the holder intelligence, understanding, but it places the burden of responsibility to bear in exchange.

There is one thing that works in my favor; the ability to be able to choose my friends. I can make out the virtuous from the unethical; the candid from the deceitful; the selfish from the selfless; and more than anything, the genuine from the faux. I spend time to build relationships with these people because I know they are genuine; people whom I know are after nothing more than just to have a real relationship with someone else.

And you know what?

I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

We all have stories to tell; deep, painful, dark events that we bear the burden of without other people knowing. I’m no exception; I have two such events ingrained in my memories, forever a part of my life. They have helped define me. They created a cruel and dark reality that made one point more of a fact than anything else; the world is a cruel and dangerous place.

 So why am I bringing this up? The answer is simple: I believe that every single person here in college has their own story to tell. A story that has helped defined them in some strong and particular way. Some stories may not be as painful or dark as another’s but there is no denying the fact that all stories have affected the respecting person in a powerful way.

Every single story is unique. Some people have stories that we can never even imagine happening to ourselves, and yet, some of us have stories that others can never imagine happening to them. It is these stories that I’m trying to learn of. The stories that places you in their shoes; the stories that let’s you see how they view the world. There is just so much you can learn from other’s experiences.

Why wouldn’t you want to hear their story?

It’s the first time since college has started that I’m not hanging out with someone or studying. It’s kind of interesting. I haven’t had time like this in a while. 

First off, college is amazing. Between the hangouts and the studying, it’s just pure enjoyment. I don’t even mind doing the homework I get. I learn some interesting stuff in my classes, and if I don’t understand it the homework helps to force me to understand it, otherwise I can’t do the homework! Hahaha. It really is fun, and I love my major. Everyone always tells me that electrical engineering is difficult, but the concepts aren’t really that difficult. And the supposed “massive workload”, mainly comes from calculus and UGS; not really from the engineering classes. Ah well, I guess that’s why I’m in electrical engineering in the first place.

I’ve met a lot of amazing people. They are all startlingly nice and kind and every single one of them has brought an interesting and unique story with them to college. I love it how college can bring people together like that; a place where people can meet people with similar interests. Probably why I love this place so much: meeting with people I can connect with.

So much more to say, but I don’t feel like putting it down. It’s pretty amazing here though and I can’t imagine it any other way.